How Toxic Relationships and Trauma Bonds Affect Firefighter Mental Health, Job Performance, and Life Safety — and Why the Fire Service Must Address It.

I want you to know that I'm preaching to the choir as write this blog. I am 100% guilty of falling into the snares of toxic relationships. I'm the king. If picking the wrong woman was a completive sport, I would the champion of the world. Books have been written on the reasons why. In short, trauma bonds play a big part.

Many people misunderstand trauma bonds.

A trauma bond is not love.

It’s not loyalty.

It’s not passion.

A trauma bond forms through cycles of abuse, chaos, reconciliation, and emotional intensity. Over time, the nervous system becomes chemically and psychologically attached to the relationship. Your midbrain gets slowly addicted to the intermittent dopamine releases. I call this the "nice/mean cycle".

This is why police officers repeatedly respond to the same domestic violence calls. They say it takes an average of 13 attempts for someone to leave an abusive relationship. Not because they are weak — but because trauma bonds are extremely difficult to break without professional help.

Firefighters are especially vulnerable. We are conditioned for chaos. We are comfortable in crisis. We are wired to fix problems and rescue people. All things that potentially get us into trouble in one-sided toxic relationships.

That combination can make a bad relationship feel familiar — even normal.

When Bad Relationships Destroy Firefighter Careers

This is not theoretical. I’ve seen it firsthand.

I’ve watched:

• Firefighters lose their jobs due to false or exaggerated domestic violence allegations

• Men raising children that were not theirs

• Careers derailed by restraining orders, investigations, and station-wide fallout

• Solid firefighters slowly isolated, manipulated, lied to, and emotionally drained, and eventually...financially wrecked.

As a fire service chaplain, I’ve had countless conversations with men who knew the relationship they were in was destroying them — but felt trapped by fear, shame, or obligation.

Some were exhausted.

Some were ashamed.

Some were scared.

Some punching the walls.

Many were still trying to save someone who was actively destroying their life.

Brotherhood, Accountability, and Fire Service Culture

If we see one of our brothers or sisters in a destructive relationship, we don’t get to ignore it.

Not in this profession. Nope.

Fire departments understand that substance abuse spills into the workplace. That’s why no department would knowingly hire someone with an active heroin addiction.

A toxic relationship can be just as impairing.

It affects judgment, focus, emotional regulation, and situational awareness. And patient safety as well. When life safety is involved, accountability needs to be rock solid.

Brotherhood says:

• “I’m worried about you.”

• “This situation is changing you.”

• “This is affecting your performance.”

Those conversations are uncomfortable — but funerals are worse.

A Word to Firefighters Who Feel Trapped

If you’re in a relationship that is draining you, isolating you, or affecting your performance — hear this clearly:

Getting help is not weakness.

Leaving does not make you a failure.

Protecting your mind protects your crew.

And if you already feel stuck, ashamed, or alone — I will sit in the pit with you.

You don’t have to fight alone.

My Thoughts

I’ll end with this.

Some relationships carry a darkness to them — emotionally, psychologically, and spiritually. Call it what you want, but those who’ve lived it recognize it immediately.

If we’re not careful, we can form dark attachments. We confuse intensity for connection. We mistake manipulation for love. Over time, we lose our clarity, confidence, and identity.

From a biblical perspective, destructive narcissistic control mirrors what Scripture describes as a Jezebel spirit — manipulation, domination, chaos, and the erosion of godly authority and identity. So how can we spot the Jezebel spirit manifested in a person?

Common traits associated with the Jezebel pattern:

• Manipulation and control

• Seduction (sexual, emotional, or ideological)

• Undermining legitimate authority

• Deception mixed with religiosity

• Power through intimidation or false vulnerability

• Domination paired with victimhood

All this doesn’t excuse poor decisions though. It doesn’t remove personal responsibility. But it does acknowledge a hard truth:

Some relationships are not neutral.

They are actively corrosive.

Some will bring you to your knees.

Stay safe out there.

-Tom

“Keep your heart with all vigilance, for from it flow the springs of life.”  

-Proverbs 4:23

We are a trauma-informed 501(c)(3) on a mission to bring hope, healing, and restoration to first responders and their families- Through chaplaincy, crisis response, formal training, and peer support initiatives, we strive to educate and offer support. Please consider donating today at http://www.riseupfight.org/donate