Why Can’t I Remember SH**? - Cortisol, Memory Loss, and the Silent Weight First Responders Carry

Lately, I can’t remember sh**.

My old man used to say that he suffers from CRS (can't remember sh**). Maybe it's hereditary... who knows.

I’ll walk out the door and realize I left my wallet on the counter.

Go back inside.

Walk out again.

Forgot my keys.

Some days I honestly couldn’t tell you what I had for breakfast. And before anyone jumps in with “That’s just getting older”—maybe. But it’s more than that.

Because this kind of forgetfulness doesn’t feel normal.

It feels foggy.

Disconnected.

Like my brain is tired… not lazy.

And for a lot of first responders, that’s not an accident.

That’s cortisol.

Cortisol: The Hormone That Saves You… Until It Doesn’t

Cortisol is a survival hormone.

It’s what kicks in when the tones drop, when the call goes sideways, when the scene isn’t safe and your body needs to move like right now.

Short-term? Cortisol is a gift. It can protect you.

Long-term? It becomes a wrecking ball.

First responders don’t get occasional stress.

We get repeated, high-intensity stress with no real off-switch.

Call after call.

Shift after shift.

Year after year.

Getting punched in the brain over and over. And cortisol stays elevated—not just during the call, but long after the rig is back in service.

What Chronic Cortisol Does to the Brain

Let’s talk about the brain first—because this is where a lot of us start to notice something’s off.

Memory Loss & Recall Problems

So, cortisol literal changes the physiology of the brain over time.

The prefrontal cortex is the area of the brain that is responsible for:

• Logic

• Decision-making

• Emotional regulation

• Impulse control

High cortisol:

• Reduces blood flow and function

• Impairs judgment

• Increases impulsivity

• Makes emotional regulation harder

This is why people say, “I don’t recognize myself anymore.”

It’s not stupidity.

It’s not weakness.

It’s your brain and body under siege.

Hypervigilance That Never Shuts Off

Chronic cortisol supercharges the amygdala—the brain’s threat detector.

So now:

• You’re always on edge

• Small things feel big

• Your fuse is short

• Rest doesn’t feel restful

Your brain is still acting like the call is active—even when you’re home.

Decision-Making Goes to Hell

Cortisol suppresses the prefrontal cortex—the logic, judgment, and impulse-control center.

That’s why chronic stress can lead to:

• Poor decisions

• Emotional outbursts

• Risk-taking

• “That’s not like me” behavior

Sound familiar?

What Cortisol Does to the Body

The damage doesn’t stop at the neck.

Chronic high cortisol:

• Raises blood pressure

• Increases heart disease risk

• Disrupts blood sugar → diabetes

• Breaks down muscle

• Weakens bones

• Suppresses testosterone and estrogen

• Wrecks sleep

• Destroys immune function

You’re exhausted, but wired.

Strong, but breaking.

Alive, but not really living.

Cortisol, Trauma, and First Responder Suicide

These are things we need watch out for-

Chronic cortisol + unresolved trauma creates:

• Emotional numbness

• Depression

• Hopelessness

• Disconnection from purpose

• Increased substance use

• Increased suicide risk

When your brain can’t shut off danger…

When sleep never restores you…

When joy feels unreachable…

The mind starts looking for any way to make the roller coaster stop.

Suicide isn’t a character flaw.

It’s often the end result of a nervous system that has been pushed too hard for too long.

So How the Hell Do We Lower Cortisol?

Not with “just relax.”

Not with toxic positivity.

With intentional nervous system care.

1. Sleep (Real Sleep)

Sleep is the number one cortisol regulator.

• Consistent sleep/wake times

• Dark rooms

• No doom-scrolling in bed

• Consider sleeping with a sound machine in the background

Sleep deprivation keeps cortisol elevated. Period.

2. Physical Movement (Not Punishment)

Exercise lowers cortisol after the session.

• Walking

• Strength training

• Mobility work

You don’t need to crush yourself—just move your body. Try to replace cortisol with endorphins. It will help your sleep too.

3. Breath Work

Slow breathing activates the parasympathetic nervous system.

• Long exhales

• Box breathing

• Nose breathing

4. Trauma-Informed Support

Talk therapy that understands first responders.

Peer support.

EMDR.

Somatic work.

You don’t heal trauma by ignoring it.

5. Purpose & Connection

Isolation fuels cortisol.

Connection lowers it.

Brotherhood.

Sisterhood.

Faith.

Meaning beyond the badge.

My Thoughts

Here’s the truth we don’t say enough:

You are not alone.

Even the strongest servants get weary.

Even warriors need rest.

Even first responders are allowed to lay the weight down.

If you’re forgetting things…

If your mind feels foggy…

If your soul feels tired…

It’s not because you’re failing. You're not dumb.

It’s because your body has been trying to keep you alive for a very long time.

Stay safe out there.

-Tom

"Casting all your cares on Him, because He cares for you." -1 Peter 5:7

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